You have to knock the door
Everybody that you love deserves your deliberate focus and attention.
If you and your significant other are living in the same house but going through two completely different experiences, then you must make a deliberate effort to enter into their world.
I mean, how will you know if you don’t ask and listen to their day?
When you come home and you say “tell me about your day” and then you destroy your relationship when you sit and watch something on television.
You might think that you are there for your loved one, after all, you are sitting next to each other –but wake up.
You might be sitting together, but you are as far away from each other as the North pole is from the South pole.
Your heart is not there. Your brain is not even on.
At other times, you say “let’s hurry up and have dinner so I can go back to my work”.
You make it sound like a form of complicity. It does not matter what your intentions were in those words, but by saying them you’ve made your loved one feel like a chore, a sacrifice, a list to accomplish.
And then you wonder why you feel so distant, so isolated and alone.
What you focus on thrives. If you don’t focus on your relationships — it won’t thrive
In the words of Michelle C. Ustaszeski,
“Before someone’s tomorrow has been taken away, cherish those you love, appreciate them today.”
Sometimes being there is enough. More than enough.
Your loved ones want to be heard. They want you to listen to what they say. Without any judgment.
Rather than watching the flickering blue light, turn to look at your significant other. Maybe instead of focusing on your phone, go out and take a walk together — leaving your devices at home. Maybe instead of sitting next to each other but apart (because you are both watching television), turn off the TV and face each other.
Now, you don’t have any distractions that steal you from each other.
Do this now, before you become indifferent to your loved one, before you become a stranger.
Spend time with family and loved ones
Here is a beautiful story about how love never dies:
An old man is walking in the cemetery towards a certain gravestone. He is carrying flowers in his hand. His face is somber, grieving and absolutely sad.
He looks and walks as life has defeated him. He is going to put flowers on his wife’s gravestone who has passed away a few days ago.
As he is nearing the headstone, he observed through his subdued state a young woman kneeling on a tombstone that is near to where his wife was buried.
There is something about the young woman that is hard to explain. He really looks at her. Even though she is kneeling, she looks serene.
Her face is compelling to look at. She looks peaceful.
How is that possible?
The old man doubting where he is, looks around. Maybe he has lost his mind in his old age through his grief. But- yes he is in a cemetery.
He looks again at the woman who seems to be in her own world.
She looks sad, very sad. At the same time, there is some sort of serenity in her that death of a loved one has not taken away from her. As anyone who looks at this woman, no one would believe that she is in a cemetery by looking at the expression on her face.
Can anyone see both grief and smile at the same time on a person who has lost a loved one?
That is what this old man sees on the face of the young woman.
He approaches her and asks her how she appears to be both grieving and at the same time has priceless serenity on her face. The young woman looks up from the stone she was kneeling and answered this old man:
Have you ever have to decide between two impossible emotions?
One is love and the other is loss. I love my mother and she just died. Because of the love my mother and I shared, love is winning over the loss.
Love is weighing more on my heart than the loss in my heart. I see that my love for my mother is more important and enduring than the loss of her.
I have so many memories with my mother that even death cannot take away from me. If God could ask me how many years do you want for your mother? I would say forever.
Any day for my mother’s death is too soon.
But death has taken away my mom. It is always too soon for the death of a loved one. But I have so many memories with my mom that surpasses the pain of losing her.
The laugh, the love and the memories that we have shared throughout the years. I have these with me now and forever.
That is why in addition to my grief, I am at peace with the loss of my mother.
I am remembering my mother through my memories. I am having conversations with my mother through my memories. I am having a laugh with my mother through my memories. I am eating my favorite food with my mom in my memories. I am kissing my mother in my memories. My mom is holding me in her amazing love in my memories. I am with my mother in my memories.
Woe to them who have no memories.
Woe to them who have not shared their feelings and emotions in this very short life?
Woe to them who have not told their loved ones how much they love them in their everyday life.
Woe to them who have taken love for granted.
Woe to them who have not made a connection with a loved one that no knife on the world can cut?
Woe to them who have no endless memories to fall back to?
I have endless memories that never die. That is the love between my mother and me.
I have my mother with me in my memories.
Love is an act
“Good love has nothing to do with what they are or what we harvest from them. Good love is the way in which we love them — it’s us loving their very being, us loving their essence, us loving their ups and downs and imperfections and dumb complaints and irritations and short-comings and differences, for fuck’s sake, us loving their decisions — each day”
It is our actions — not just our words that really speak what our hearts feel.
We often forget that love requires constant action from us for its survival.
We lose the love that we have by crossing our arms around our heart and expecting foolishly for the “love” to flourish when we have not given our best every day.
Here are a few examples you can show your love through your actions:
· Send an email or write a personal letter to your loved one.
· Call and speak to them (not just text).
· Go and visit them at their workplace.
·Surprise them with an unexpected lunch.
·Focus on them. Don’t just spend time with them while thinking about your job or what you’re going to do later on. Pay attention. Listen. Really be there.
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