Have you ever thought you could love someone enough to make your relationship work? Have you been in a relationship where you knew you weren’t thrilled, but you kept saying, “I love him. Isn’t that enough?”
When my ex whispered his love, a grin would spread across my face so quickly almost as if it had always been there. I loved it when he looked at me like that. He’d squeeze me, tight and urgent. We would hug for a long time, two hearts beating against one another, the heat of deep affection joining, amplifying, and spreading in two bodies.
I won’t lie to you. Loving someone and being loved back was awesome. All this love felt so delicious.
Except a few months later, he was reluctant to build our relationship. He was not ready emotionally. I was willing to work on our relationship. He wasn’t. He floated along to the current I expended all my energy in creating.
The reality of his foot-dragging swept over my heart. Even knowing this, I kept trying and trying. I kept thinking if I loved him enough, he would be willing to build our relationship.
The truth that love is not enough hit me after two years. When I asked him to move in together, his answer poured a dash of ice water on my face. When he said, “I’m not ready,” my chest ached. My lungs didn’t want to work. The betrayal of love felt like someone took a hold of my heart and was wringing them, squeezing them of every drop of blood. I felt stupidly blindsided. No one was to blame except myself. How many times would he make it clear he was not willing to build our relationship like I did?
Anger filled my senses and I let it. Anger was better than this pathetic, achy feeling in my chest. I decided to break up with him at that moment even though I still loved him.
Whether you’re in a relationship you are unsure of or if you’re venturing into the dating world, loving someone isn’t enough. It never will be.
Love alone cannot save our relationship.
A guy acts interested and even falls in love. Then, he says he is undecided. He likes you a lot, but he’s not ready. He tells you he loves you, but his action expresses ambivalence. You choose his words. You throw out his action. You see what you want to see. You hear what you want to hear. You actively filter out what he clearly spells out. If I love him enough, he would be willing to build our relationship. With time, I will resolve this wavering.
My ex spent time with me. He even talked about getting a dog together. We never did. Despite appearances lulling me into a false sense of progress, the fundamental thread remained the same. Me, willing to work on our relationship. He, unsure.
I believed: if I loved him enough I could save our relationship. Unfortunately, love didn’t save my relationship. And it doesn’t. Expecting love to be enough for a relationship is a fatal mistake.
We cannot make someone — even someone we love — willing to build our relationship.
“Being in love” is not a valid reason to stay in a relationship that is not going anywhere.
When we hear about a couple who broke up, we assume they do not love each other. But that’s not necessarily the case. Some breakups happen even when the couple love each other — and they’re often the most devastating ones. Sometimes we’re happy for the time being. But we want something that lasts longer and our current relationship is stopping us from getting that.
A coworker is in this dilemma. She wants to build a future with her boyfriend. But he is wavering. “I can’t leave him,” she cried to me over the phone.
We’re terrified, so we stay. What if we regret leaving someone we love? What if he changes his mind and starts investing in our relationship?
Love motivates us into staying and ignoring a red flag in a significant other. That someone who did not invest in our relationship from day 1 intends to continue with zero investment.
What we need is to leave even though we’re in love.
“I can’t leave,” is just not true. It’s easy to say, “I can’t, I can’t, I just can’t oh my God, I love him so.” But if you want to build a relationship and your partner drags his feet, you need to decide. My friend wants a future with this guy. But he is still deciding what he wants after 18 months of dating.
He’s not the one who needs to decide. It’s my friend who needs to make a choice. Because a guy who wants to build a relationship does not drag his feet. The same is true for a woman. I realized this truth when I watched my ex remain unsure for two years. Even though I was in love, the relationship was bad for me. I broke up with him not because I didn’t love him. I left because I deserved someone who’s willing to put effort for our future. Leaving him was terrifying. I slowly recovered. I found someone who’s willing to build a relationship with me.
All these things are true for you too.
If you’re with someone who hesitates, don’t wait until you’re no longer in love to leave. You need to leave even though you still love him. You deserve someone who invests in your relationship.
Without the willingness to build a relationship on both parties, love loses its luster.
Love can make you appear nice, polite, and accommodating. You sacrifice what you want — to build a future — to accommodate the one you love. But a good relationship needs the truth. For a lasting relationship, you need to be willing to hurt the one you love with the truth than making him bleed later.
Relationships do not work just because you’re in love.
Both of you need to be willing to bond and blend. You’ve to be a team, putting efforts and investing in love. A relationship needs both parties full engagement. You’ve to want to know each other. You’ve to tell each other what you like and loathe. You’ve to want to build your relationship together.
Give yourself what you deserve: someone as willing to build your relationship as you are.
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